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In this article, I want to talk about the opposite sex.  More specifically, I’d like to talk about words and phrases that men and women use in the workplace that cause tension and friction.  Then I’ll cover options to these words and phrases that can minimize confusion and miscommunication.

My comments are based on research I conducted beginning in late 1999 through the end of 2001.  I interviewed 500 men and 500 women across the country, asking these questions:

•  What words or phrases do members of the opposite sex use in the workplace that make you angry, perplexed, or upset?

•  What words or phrases would be more effective?

• Do you have any suggestions for strategies men or women can employ to interact positively with members of the opposite sex?

I discovered that the men and women in my study had two distinct styles of communication (no surprise there).  Men most often preferred an information style and women most often preferred a relationship style.  I found that most of the men I spoke with were thing centered, while most of the women were people centered.

I provided a workplace example to my interviewees and asked for their input:  “What if you were in charge of implementing a new computer system for your organization – what would be your priorities?”  Most of the men talked about the computer itself.  They were interested in power, RAM, and capabilities of the hard drive.  Most of the women focused on training issues, especially tailoring the training towards different levels of computer literacy.

There were some common sentiments expressed by both men and women.  Everyone I interviewed said that there are many times when they just don’t understand the opposite sex.  Some people even said “the opposite species”.  There’s a code that they can’t break, leaving them frustrated much too often.

Most everyone I interviewed said that their gender had a much different idea about the number of words necessary to discuss any given topic than the opposite sex.  The men I talked with use – and want to hear – fewer superlatives and less “people talk” or “gossip”.  Women I talked with said that one has to learn about people and their concerns and issues in order to make intelligent workplace decisions.

The top three phrases that men said come across like fingers on a chalkboard were:

• You’re not listening to me!

• You’re a man…..you wouldn’t understand.

• Whatever you think….. (implied:  but I’ll sulk if you’re wrong)

The first statement flashes men back to their childhood, when mom was nagging them to pick up their toys.  A defensive shield goes up immediately.  Several men said, with regard to the second statement, “how do I respond to that?”  The third statement annoys men who don’t want to guess what’s in a coworker’s mind.

The men in my study suggested these alternatives for the offending phrases:

• This is important because….. (implied:  get to the “bottom line”)

• I want to explain my viewpoint.

• Here’s what I think.

Give reasoning to support what you think, the men said, and don’t be shy about boasting a little.  Talk about your award-winning article to substantiate your position!

The women in my study had these top three phrases that instantly put up a barrier:

• That’s stupid! (in response to an idea or suggestion)

• You’re just too emotional!

• No – you’re wrong.

Many of the men said that they tell other guys their ideas are stupid, right in front of a group.  They argue their points and a decision is reached, then they forget about the arguments and go have a beer after work.  If two women have a heated argument during a meeting, do you think they’re going to “do lunch” afterwards?  I don’t think so.

What can men say instead that’s less confrontational and judgmental?  Here are my interviewees’ recommendations:

• I disagree because…..

• Tell me why you came to that conclusion (and then listen for the response).

• I don’t understand why you think that. 

What can we take away from this research?  I believe there are some strategies that will help both men and women tear down the communication barrier.

For men, I strongly encourage you to invest time in building rapport with your female colleagues.  In the global workplace of today, you will encounter other cultures that do business with suppliers and vendors only after building relationships.  It’s a skill that’s necessary in any workplace.

Practice “active listening” and interrupting less.  Maintain eye contact, ask open-ended questions, and paraphrase to check your understanding.

For women, I encourage you to be clear with your message and your needs.  No hinting around – come out with your ideas, concerns, and suggestions.  Assertively make your case, using data and observations to back up your point.  Re-interrupt if a man (or woman) cuts you off.  When this happens to me, I simply say, “I’m not finished with my point” and jump right back in.

Effective use of both the information and relationship styles is critical in today’s workplace.  As Ben Franklin said, “everything in moderation”.  There are times when it’s necessary to quickly move to results.  There are also times when it’s necessary to get to know people, their strengths, and their needs, before results can be obtained. 

We all benefit from closing the gender communication gap – to meet customer demands, our organizations must leverage 100% of their talent, 100% of the time, male or female.

10/01/02

If you have questions or comments about this article, please email me at Linda@gravett.com.
 

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